Karl Rove Tells How to Beat Hillary

Here it is, straight from the douchebag’s mouth:

This just in — Hillary Clinton is “hard and brittle” (as Sleazebag puts it). She’s also “a bitch,” of course; and she “calculates almost everything, including her accent and laugh.”

Here’s where Rover turns into a comedian: his advice to the ultimate Republican nominee is to “Tackle issues families care about.” Of course. You mean abortion and gay marriage, right? I know those are the first things on my mind when I’m struggling with the bills.

Oh my God, Hell has frozen over and pigs are flying. The issues he’s referring to are “jobs, the economy, taxes and spending.” OK, I get it. When the wingnuts get through spinning this one, “taxes and spending” will mean anything having to do with health care, job training, the environment or the infrastructure. “Jobs and the economy” will mean “what’s good for Halliburton/Exxon is good for America.” Will American voters be as stupid and gullible next year as they were in 2004?

Goebbels Rove also says “but some issues that used to be ‘go to’ ones for Republicans, like crime and welfare, don’t have as much salience.” Then again, words like crime and welfare mean different things to different people.

Here is where the term “Orwellian” really gets stretched into bizarre shapes and sizes that poor old George never would’ve dreamed of: “Concerns like health care, the cost of college and social mobility will be more important.” Yes, this is exactly what CEOs and Republican VIPs have been agonizing over for the past seven years. Let’s see how they spin this one. If only Marie Antoinette could’ve translated “Let them eat cake” into “I’m sooo concerned about the plight of the poor and downtrodden.”

And now the pusbag starts spinning even faster and more furiously: “Aggressively campaign for the votes of America’s minorities. Go to their communities, listen and learn, demonstrate your engagement and emphasize how your message can provide hope and access to the American Dream for all.” Yeah, you do that. Record profits for the largest corporations, higher taxes for working people and a bloated multi-trillion-dollar Pentagon — this is exactly what minorities and working families are clamoring for.

Uh oh, now the mask is getting peeled off and we see The Blob for what it really is: “Be strong on Iraq. Democrats have bet on failure. That’s looking to be an increasingly bad wager, given the remarkable progress seen recently in Iraq.” Yes indeed, “remarkable progress in Iraq.” Easy to say for a pasty-faced triple-chinned shitwipe who wouldn’t know a military uniform if it bit him on the ass. Contact your recruiter, Asshole.

BTW, this article has some interesting comments at the end.

4 Responses to “Karl Rove Tells How to Beat Hillary”

  1. Vote for Hillary Online Says:

    I like the fact that Rove is writing articles now because he’s giving away all the secrets.

  2. windspike@yahoo.com Says:

    Tom,

    Did you schlog on through some of the comments to the “article?” Here’s my favorite:

    Comment: geez kkkarl, is that all you got ???

    some bullshit story about a mirror that somehow makes hillary look bad, even if it wasn’t her mirror

    don’t you realize that we can figure out exactly who the drama queen was who had the mirror installed ???

    and as to your advice about being genuine, don’t you mean they should look genuine when they’re pandering to people ???

    mitt, rudy, mccain ????

    genuine ???

    time to stop huffing the acetone dude

    nice try though

    I’ll assume you’re just testing the waters

    I hope newsweek was impressed by the number of subscription cancelations you incure

    keep up the good work, and smoke a number for me dude. You are right, the commentators had a field day with Rove’s writing…He’s been smoking so long and hard on the GOP crack pipe that he’s lost touch with America.

  3. Dan Says:

    If you read the article, he did not call her a b—h. He was quoting a question posed by member of the audience during one of the debates.

  4. MK Says:

    > I like the fact that Rove is writing articles now
    > because he’s giving away all the secrets.

    Unfortunately, Democrats still haven’t figured out how to lead, so telling them how to win won’t mean much if their confidence and leadership qualities are perceptible to the AMerican public.

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