Mitt the Mormon and Other Tales

Mormon MittOf all the empty-issues in the presidential campaign, perhaps one of the emptiest is Mitt’s Mormonism. Like most of Moroni’s Minions, he wears his religion on his sleeve. That’s no different than Huckleberry the Hounded spouting off about how pious he is in his equally odd beliefs. It seems to me that thinking the world is 10,000 years old isn’t any loonier than migrating a barren salt bed that’s not fit for much other than world speed-record attempts. Muslims believe pork chops will send them to hell and snake handlers think that if they only believe enough, they’ll survive bites from poisonous copperheads - a belief mostly shared by those who haven’t had their faith tested yet. Catholics think the snake handlers are crazy, but the Mighty Miter thinks it’s OK to hide child molesters. Shakers were celibate, which isn’t exactly a growth position sect-wise. So, go figure.

All belief systems have crazy ideas, atheists included. All that proves is that if God created us, he really needs a better quality control system and if he didn’t, Darwin was right and we’ve evolved from a shallow gene pool with lots of broken DNA. How else would you describe a world that requires chipmunks?

Oddly, Mitt seems as afraid of his Mormonism as his evangelical pursuers. He makes a speech about his religiosity, but manages never to mention it by name. Huck says he’s devoted to following the Constitution, but readily admits that if push comes to shove and the Big Guy suddenly appears, he’ll do exactly what the Big Guy says.

The Constitution says you can worship or not worship anything or anyone you like. Fuzzy metaphysical uber-beings, rocks and trees, or aliens from the planet Gorgon are all equal under its protections. (Don’t try that on the IRS when applying for tax-exempt status though.) So on paper at least, it doesn’t matter a whit whether Mitt’s a Mormon. So why ask? It shouldn’t make a difference, although I do like to know where a person’s allegiances lie - with me as a voter or with the angel riding shotgun on their shoulder. I tend not to trust the angelic types because they seem to think every mosquito buzz is a special signal from God. You just can’t hold a democracy together with someone like that in charge. Look where we are now.

The human tendency to nitpick religious differences - ofttimes to the point of armed fisticuffs - is exactly why the Constitution proscribes tolerance in such matters. If we weren’t tolerant, we’d end up with something like the mess we’re already hip-deep in - a slew of candidates trying to out-God each other. That serves neither God nor country. It just pisses people off and there’s no percentage in that.

So attack Mitt for being a flip-flopper or condemn him for tying the family dog to the roof of his car, but don’t attack his religion, especially if you don’t share it. Remember, what’s good for the Mormon is good for the Baptist. The questions will eventually swing around to your brand of pie-eyed piousness and there’ll be no shield between thee and those except your chosen book that most voters think is inferior to their own.

Maybe I’ll write that on a tablet someplace. Call it the Book of Poobah or something. Light a Bush on fire. It seems like there’s a good market for such things.


See other fine hypertext products at The Omnipotent Poobah Speaks!

One Response to “Mitt the Mormon and Other Tales”

  1. rube cretin Says:

    The men the American public admire most extravagantly are the most daring liars; the men they detest most violently are those who try to tell them the truth.

    H. L. Mencken

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