Michigan Republicans are Morons

Just in case anyone noticed, I haven’t been writing much lately on my blog. I’m not in a funk or suffering block - in fact it’s just the opposite: There has be SOOOOOOOOO many things to write about that I’m just in a malaise. I don’t know where to begin! There’s just been so much stupidity, so much irony, so many idiots to write about, I just couldn’t peg any one story as more inspirationally insipid than any other. But then I woke up this morning to something so stupendously stupid, so immensely ironic, that I just couldn’t take it anymore. My Stupid Bone immediately started tingling. I had found the story, and it is by far the stupidest story I’ve seen in a long, long time.

From the Detroit Free Press…

MITT ROMNEY TAKES MICHIGAN

Yes, Mitt Romney won the Michigan GOP primary. Mitt Romney.

Amazing.

“Tonight is a victory of optimism over Washington-style pessimism,” Romney told cheering supporters in Southfield shortly after his victory was called.

Ah, “optimism.” Where would we be without it? After all, would we have invaded Iraq unless the Iraqis had their rose petals ready to shower upon us? Would the economy be so strong if we hadn’t merrily assumed that it would be? Good ol’ optimism. In the GOP world optimism is a tangible entity that moves markets, wins wars, and grows economies. It’s all those Negative Nabobs that cause market crashes, lose wars, and ruin economies. How dare those cynical anti-sycophants spoil the party!

Republicans have special magical oral powers, ya’ know. Remember, Reagan Tore Down That Wall and defeated the Evil Empire with his Super Reagan Rhetoric Breath! It was George Dubya Bush who kept us safe from the villainous Ter’rists of AL QAEDA (Association of Longbeards Quagmire And Evil Destructive Annililists) with his Strength of a Thousand Unilateralists Power! Yes, in the Republican Comic Book Universe it’s not what you do, it’s what you say and think. In fact, it’s best to simply not do anything - do not act, do not question, and certainly never critique - for the world is moved by the sanguine surety of Pollyanna positivism. If something isn’t going well, just ignore it, and it will go away. If it doesn’t go away, then just don’t talk about it, and then it won’t matter anyway.

It’s like their religion. As I recently wrote in a new set of lyrics I’ve been working on; It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you think inside. And if you think it real hard, you go to heaven when you die.

After squandering leads in the polls in Iowa and New Hampshire, the victory was a desperately needed one for Romney, whose father George was a three-term governor of Michigan in the 1960s and ran American Motors.

Ah yes, American Motors. How could the people of Michigan forget that fine company, makers of such top quality brands as the Hornet, Rambler, Pacer and Gremlin! Sadly, and probably because people just weren’t optimistic enough, AMC is no longer with us. But the legend lives on with Mitt Romney, the man who will bring the sort of innovation, quality, and of course positive thinking that made AMC the great car company that it was. And Mitt will do the same for the people of Michigan, because if there’s one thing they need, it’s a return to AMC’s automaking philosophy!

From Salon…

All week, Romney and John McCain have been feuding over whether the auto industry represents Michigan’s past, or its future. On Saturday, at a town hall meeting in blue-collar Warren, McCain gave his supporters some of his straight talk, telling them, “The jobs that are leaving the state of Michigan have left and are not coming back. We’re going to try to create new jobs.”

To replace the old lifestyle of building internal combustion engines, McCain proposed research in hybrid motors, battery-powered cars and hydrogen fuel cells. He also wants to open job retraining centers in the state’s community colleges. “Our future is ahead of us in Michigan,” he said. “Let’s not look back. Let’s look forward. We’ll restore Michigan back to its preeminent place in America and the world.”

To Romney, McCain’s approach isn’t futurism, it’s pessimism. In Southfield, he had a one-word retort: “Baloney.”

“I hear people say, ‘It’s gone, those jobs are gone, transportation’s gone, it’s not coming back,’” he said. “I’m going to fight for every single job. I’m going to rebuild the industry. I’m going to take burdens off the back of the auto industry.”

Romney criticized federal fuel efficiency standards — passed last year over the objection of Michigan’s congressional delegation — which require cars and light trucks to average 35 miles per gallon by 2020. He’s also been slamming McCain for supporting a tax on energy companies that exceed certain levels of carbon dioxide emissions.

At a speech to the Detroit Economic Club on Monday, Romney told an admiring audience that “Washington has to stop loading Detroit down with unfunded mandates. Of course fleet mileage needs to rise, but discontinuous CAFE [Corporate Average Fuel Economy] leaps, uncoordinated with the domestic manufacturers, and absent consideration of competitiveness, kills jobs and imperils an industry.” Romney also proposed spending $20 billion a year on “energy research, fuel technology, materials science, and automotive technology.”

But government regulation isn’t killing Michigan’s auto industry, nor is government neglect. Labor costs are. General Motors, especially, is getting crushed by the health benefits it pays its workers. The company and its 150,000 employees are paying the medical bills for 350,000 retirees, a cost to the company of more than $5 billion a year. If Romney wants to bring auto plants back to Michigan, he’ll have to fund research into a shop rat who works for $2 an hour, never gets sick, and dies on retirement day.

If the people of Michigan are so fucking stupid as to think that Mitt Romney can “rebuild the industry” - ignoring the healthcare crisis, ignoring the need to modernize the American auto fleet, and ignoring the trade deficit - with Optimism, then those wacky Scientologists are right: “psychotropic or street drugs damage a person physically, mentally and spiritually. They decrease awareness and hinder abilities. They are a “solution” to some other problem and themselves become a problem.” Prozac and crack must be very popular amongst republican Michganders.

No state has suffered modern deindustrialization more than Michigan. Free Trade, healthcare costs, and an auto industry that uncannily finds ways to kill itself at every chance have left Michigan in a perpetual recession for years, regardless of the state of the rest of the union. Its unemployment rate holds steady well above the national average. Detroit is a ghost town. The last time I visited, the only people I saw on the streets were gang members in full uniform dress, right out in the open. George Romney, Roger Smith, and the rest of the corporate scoundrels left Michigan to die while lining their pockets with the blood money left on the auto plant floors, while the Powers That Be sat back and took their campaign donations.

Yet somehow the republicans of Michigan decided ol’ Mitty, the prototypical GOP establishment guy, was their guy. They believe Romney is going to return Michigan to the days of yore, when being a Blue Collar Man was something to be proud of and not just an old forgotten Styx song. How will he do it? That doesn’t matter. He’s going to be Positive and Optimistic and all will be well. No need to modernize the fleet, make it more competitive and responsible. No need to address trade agreements that have sent the four-to-five thousand manufacturers that go into any automobile into the Third World sweatshops and subsidized First World competitors. No need to nationalize healthcare and lop off more overhead than the price of steel to build a car. No, Mitt Romney has a better idea. He “will not rest until Michigan is back.” Yes folks, Mitt Romney will save Michigan - with insomnia. Insomnia, Positivism and Optimism - the IPO of GOP rhetoric.

Michigan republicans are morons.

JMJ

3 Responses to “Michigan Republicans are Morons”

  1. Liberal Jarhead Says:

    Reminds me of the old cartoon - I think it was one of Gary Larsen’s from The Far Side; one guy is standing in front of a blackboard entirely covered with a complex diagram/equation - some other people are looking at it and one is telling him, “This part needs some work,” pointing to a spot in the middle of the board where a bubble is labeled “A miracle takes place here.”

    The main thing Romney is proving with this campaign is that he is willing to say absolutely anything, voice any position no matter how dumb or opposite to what he’s said in the past, if he thinks it will get votes.

    As for the Michigan Republicans buying it, we have to remember that as early as 2002 one of this party’s neocons (a Bush aide) said to journalists, “That’s not the way the world really works anymore. We’re an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality. And while you’re studying that reality – judiciously, as you will – we’ll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that’s how things will sort out. We’re history’s actors … and you, all of you, will be left to study what we do.” Well, as you noted, we can only stand in humble awe when we look at how well that’s been working.

    I’m not a McCain fan, but what he had to say in the quote you provided made a hell of a lot more sense, both for the specific Michigan blue-collar demographic and for the whole country and world, than anything I’ve heard from the rest of the Republicans. How many factories could be built in Michigan and elsewhere to make solar and wind power system components? An administration that wanted to help them economically would be more effective by scrapping NAFTA, CAFTA, and all similar agreements and using tax incentives to encourage corporations to build their factories here. But that would hurt the feelings of the multinational corporate power system (we should start calling it a nation in and of itself; Corporatica? Corpistan?)

    If my mother was stil around, she would be watching Romney and making King Canute jokes right now - she always compared this kind of thinking to the ancient king who supposedly got so entranced with his own power that he decided to go to the beach and command the sea, ordering the tide not to come in. His feet got wet.

    And not that it has anything to do with anything, but am I the only one who thinks Mitt Romney bears a strong resemblance to a slightly thinner John Gotti?

  2. Jersey McJones Says:

    “Corpistan” “And not that it has anything to do with anything, but am I the only one who thinks Mitt Romney bears a strong resemblance to a slightly thinner John Gotti?”

    LOL!!! Oh man, that was good!

    And what really gets me is that Romney is spewing the same old standard GOP rhetoric that has so terribly failed the people of Michigan, and yet these f’n morons bought it! Amazing!

    JMJ

  3. Liberal Jarhead Says:

    And now the Nevada Republicans, too. They may not have an auto industry, but they do have a lot to gain from a more realistic policy focused on renewable energy, as part of the Sun Belt where a lot of jobs could end up.

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